So I got a most unusual phone call from my mom today. It was about who my father is. As some of you may know about a month ago my mom decided to tell me that the guy I thought was my dad really wasn't. She went on to tell me that my dad's name was Robert. We got into it because I wanted to know more and she wasn't able to tell me. Fast forward to this afternoon. My mother called me to say that she had done some investigating on the subject. She called some friend of hers down in Akron and talked to her about it. This friend of hers, Pam, was able to help her remember things more clearly. After talking to her she now knows that my father is in fact Larry. He is the person I always thought was my dad. She said that she met Robert after I was born so there was no way that he is my father. She now even remembers that Robert told her that he wished I was his because I was such a cute baby.

You may be wondering why a woman wouldn't be able to remember who fathered her child. I thought this myself. Well before I could even form up my lips to ask the question my mother answered it for me. She told me that she was doing a lot of drugs back then and drinking. Those times in her life are sketchy and hard to remember. She was just glad that her friend Pam was able to help her clear things up. At one point during the conversation mom realized what she had just said and tried to clean it up. She then said that she was "just smoking weed" and drinking a lot. I guess the fact that she wasn't doing other drugs was supposed to make me feel better.

Now I am left with a few other questions. Was she drinking and taking drugs (weed or otherwise) while she was pregnant with any of us? What makes a woman with small kids do such a thing? I guess addiction will make you a different person. According to one of my aunts my mom was "just out there" back then. I really didn't know that things were so bad when I was a baby. All I was ever told was that my mom wasn't taking care of me like she should. She was getting food stamps back then. She was selling the food stamps to buy drugs (although I was told she gave the money to her boy friend and he bought drugs) and then didn't have money to buy formula for me. She would go to the neighbors and beg for money so that she could feed me. So when I was about 6 months old (5 months according to my grandmother) I was taken by Children's Services and put in the Children's Home. I remember growing up wondering why my mother would choose a man over me. Now I see that she choose addiction over me. The man was incidental. It doesn't make it better but at least I understand better where I came from.

I really need to be back in therapy. I can't wait to get medical again...

I am still looking for a new job. I do have a lead on a job that I think I can get. They have seen my resume and are interested in meeting with me. The problem is that the hiring manager is very busy. The way they do things, I would need to do a phone interview with the Senior QA person and the manager. If that went well they would bring me in for a face to face. Someone I know had an in with the hiring manager and got it in front of him. This is how I know that he's interested. If I can just get that interview I know that I would get the job. I am now playing a waiting game. I have faith that I will get the right job right on time. I just have to wait it out.

On a bright note...today I got a child support payment. This means that I was able to pay my gas bill and keep my service on. What a perfect way to end the week.

I have been looking for a new job for about 6 weeks now. I know that is not an extremely long period of time but I need a job ASAP. I am about out of money at this point and I'm not sure what I am going to do. If I were a programmer I would have had a new job in a matter of a few weeks. But alas I do not code. I have been trying to find jobs where I can do the whold transferable skills thing. What kills me is that I know that I am far too talented to not be working. So why aren't I yet? I need to figure out what I'm doing wrong quickly before I end up homeless.

I am about to end up like the chick on Weeds. Anyone wanna buy a dime bag? (kidding of course)

So I was updating my LinkedIn profile tonight and I saw the message telling you how many times your profile has been viewed. i clicked on the link and it said that my profile has been viewed by a VP from my ex company in the last 30 days. That makes me wonder...just what were they looking for? I know they aren't planning on hiring me. They can't possibly think that I was going to go in LinkedIn and bad mouth them. That would just be professional suicide. So what could they hope to gain in looking at it? Honestly it makes me think that they just want to find out where I'm working. I wouldn't put it past a few people there to contact any place that I am trying to get employment and try to sabotage it. When I worked there they couldn't get enough of prying into my personal life and then trying to use it against me at work. It would seem that even though I no longer work there they are still fascinated with me. I've decided to take it as a complement. I am just so wonderful that they can't live without me.

I'm sure they will be reading this soon. So if you guy are reading I hope I can continue to entertain you for years to come. :-)

I've been thinking about the whole daddy situation for a while now. The question I've been asking myself is, "Do I really need to meet my father?" After really thinking about it I think that I really don't. First of all my father knew about me and to my knowledge didn't try to see me. My mother didn't take care of my at all so I was sent to live in an orphanage when I was a baby. That would have been his opportunity to step in bu t he didn't. So my parents made their choices. They both decided not to take care of me. Now that I'm an adult I don't need them to take care of my anymore so why am I worried about them.

I realize that knowing this man won't change who I am. It won't change how I feel about myself. The fact is trying to track him down will more than likely end in heartache. As it is my mother and brother are no longer talking to me. Not that I noticed much since they don't talk to me much anyway. I've already gone through so much lately I don't think I can take anymore drama.

So I've decided to leave the past in the past and keep on moving forward.

I thought a lot last night about who my father is. I wondered if I could go through the rest of my life not knowing who he is. I wondered if I could forgive my mother for keeping such a secret from me. I thought about right until that Ambien finally kicked in, then I fell asleep. Thank goodness for sleeping pills or I might not ever go to bed.

When I woke up this morning it was back on my mind. I just needed to know more about this man. I really needed to find him. Since my mother is the only person who knows him to my knowledge I felt it was her responsible to shed some light on the situation. She must know something about him. I couldn't believe that she didn't know his last name. Surely that couldn't be true. I figured I had caught her off guard with the whole conversation and she just needed to take hold of her senses again and focus.

I was on my way to an appointment around 10 AM and decided to use the drive to speak with my mother. I plugged in my hands free device, dialed her number and then started on my drive. I could tell I had woken her by the sound of her voice. I apologized for waking her. She said it was OK. I decided that I needed to just get to why I was calling her before I lost my nerve. I told her that I really needed her to find my father for me. She insisted that she couldn't. She just kept saying that it was a long time ago and she had no idea where he was. She was not getting my point so I tried to explain it to her better. I let her know that I didn't expect her to know where he was, but what I wanted was for her to find out. Surely she knew something about him that would help locate him. She continued to insist that she didn't.

What struck me as odd about the conversation is that she said more than once that it "was 25 years ago." That it was just too long ago to remember. At first I just shook it off but after she'd said it a few times I finally realized what she had said to me. The last time she knew where my father was, was 25 years ago. I'm 35. So she knew where he was until I was 10 years old. For some reason in that 10 years she couldn't be bother to commit the man's last name to memory? She quickly became frustrated with the conversation and tried several times to get me off the phone. At one point she even said something to the effect of "You know I have a husband so I have to get off the phone." I'm not sure what her husband had to do with the two of us talking. I, however, refused to hang up. I tried one more time to plead with her to help me. She again insisted that she couldn't tell me anything. At one point I made a comment that if I had gotten pregnant by a guy I'd at least know his last name. So basically I called my mother a whore. I didn't realize that was what I was saying at the time, but the more I think about it...

I decided at that moment that although I could forgive my mother for this, I could not forget it. I don't think at this point that I can ever have a real relationship with her. She's never been a mother to me. She didn't protect me when I was a child. She didn't raise me. Countless times she's choose men over me. I realize that all my life I wanted something from her that she just can't give me. I finally realized that although my mother and I are related...we're not family. I think that I'm finally OK with that. Before I could let my mother go I needed her to know who I am. So I did something that I never thought that I could do. I told my mother that I'm gay. The only thing that she could say to me was "Are you serious?" I told her that I was. After that I just didn't have anything left to say. There was no more of me to give to her.

I told my mother goodbye.

You'd think that would be the end of the story...but you'd be wrong. Per normal, when my mother is feeling hurt she turns to her white knight. The only constant man in her life. My brother. I have no idea what she said to him. I don't even want to speculate. But, whatever it was made him very angry. Maybe 30 minutes after I spoke to my mother he called me. I was busy at the time, and assumed he had nothing nice to say, so I decided not to answer. That is probably the smartest thing I've done this year. He left a voice mail. Shortly after I received the following text:

"I will see u nigga don't u ever talk to my or my mom real talk i will all ways hate u. You are not my sister u do not want to fuck wit me."

Why is it that the first thing I wanted to do when I read this was correct his spelling, grammar and punctuation? That seems like such an odd reaction to me in hindsight. After I read the message I just put down my phone and continued on with my conversation. After my appointment was over I checked my voice mail. I won't transcribe the message here as it was quite graphic and colorful. There were several threats of physical violence towards me. He did say to me that "I have never been his sister." at one point. I remember thinking that was funny. I think I actually laughed at that part. But you know what, he's right. He and I have never really had a real sibling relationship. We don't talk to each other. Our kids don't know each other. I have only seen his youngest daughter once and she was 3 years old when I did. The two of us have nothing in common except some shared DNA. What I find so ironic is that he also knows we have no relationship towards each other and yet he took out the time to write me such an eloquent text message.

So here's the funny part. I let my friend read the text and listen to the voice mail. She was more upset about it than I was. Actually I'm not upset about it at all. I don't feel like I've lost anything. I don't feel like I did anything wrong in talking to my mother the way that I did. I actually feel relieved. I finally put my family issues to bed. I know who my real family is and it's not those people. My family are the people who love and support me no matter what I do. My family are the people in my life who have been and always will be there for me. I finally realized that sharing DNA doesn't make you family.

I never thought of this phrase as something you'd say related to your relatives but it's accurate in this case. I love them but I'm not in love with them.

To say that I'm not affected by all of this would be a lie. It definitely did affect me. I think that this needed to happen. I think that this was the time for it. I think that I am finally strong enough to really be me. To let the old family stuff go. To move on with my life and finally be who I was really meant to be. It does sadden to that I have to leave so many people behind. As they say some people are a part of your life for just a season. This is one season that I am finally glad to have end.

Words cannot even begin to describe the day that I have had today...

I was sitting at home when my phone rang. It was the contracting company that I interviewed with yesterday. When I answered the phone all I got was a dial tone. I had only heard one ring but I thought that perhaps they went to the voice mail. So I listen to all my old voice mails. Towards the end was a message from my aunt Mattie. She had called to tell me that some woman named Fran from Akron is trying to reach me, my mother and my brother. She says for me to call her back and she'll give me the number. From her tone I gathered that something bad had happened and she didn't want to leave it on a voice mail.

Now I have no idea who the heck Fran is but since she asked for me and my mom and brother and she's from Akron I assume it has something to do with my dad. I tried calling my aunt but I did not get an answer. After the second call I decided to call my mother. I thought that maybe she knew what was going on. I give her a call and tell her about the message I had gotten from Mattie. She knew right away who Fran was. She said that she was a friend of Larry's (dad). Apparently Fran has been instructed to never call unless there is an emergency so this must mean that something is wrong. She speculates that Larry may be sick or something. We agree that which ever one of us talks to my aunt first will call the other one back; then we hang up the phone.

So later on I get a call form my mother. I was dealing with an issue with my daughter so I don't answer the phone. I finally call her back about an hour later and she answers. She tells me that the reason why Fran called was to tell her that Larry's mother had died. There is a long pause and then I ask her if she's planning on going to the service. She said that she didn't know when it was and if I was interested in going she'd give me Fran's number so I could call and get the information. I told here that I had nothing to say to them. So we got off the phone and I am just sitting at my table looking at my daughter. I start to tell her about the phone call when my phone rings again. It was mom.

She says to me "You know sometimes I'm slow. I was just thinking about the conversation we just had. I wanted to make sure that you knew Larry isn't your dad." And just like that she crushed my whole world, because in fact I did not know that Larry wasn't my dad. Why would I since she's never told me this before. I figure the next logical thing would be for her to tell me who my dad is but she apparently doesn't know what logic is. I am forced to then ask the obvious question. She tells me that my father's name is Robert. Again, logic is lost on her as she does not tell me a last name. I have to ask. She says that she can't remember right now.

Huh? You don't remember...

She tells me that he was a very nice man. If I ever want to know anything about him I can ask her. Then the kicker..."I really thought that I had told you. Sorry." Just like that. Like it was something trivial that she'd neglected to mention. thought very loudly "How about his fucking last name you whore!" What I said was..."uhhh ok"? Then she says..."You know you have a sister. She looks just like you." I'm speechless at this point. Lots of things are going through my mind. Things like "that explains a lot." "You selfish bitch!" "Whore!"

Of course I don't say any of these things. Why not? Because I am a good person. A person who holds shit in until she explodes and ends up in therapy. That kind of person does not call their mother a fucking whore and then hang up the phone. But I wanted to. Part of me wishes that I had. I still might come to think of it. I always thought that parents were supposed to take care of their kids. Protect them. Love them. Sacrifice for them. My mother has done none of these things. She may have given birth to three children but she is not a mother. I don't know what she is.

I don't know who I am...

So here I am. I'm 35 years old and I don't know who my father is. The man I thought was my father I hate. One good thing came out of today. I no longer hate my dad. Now I just hate the guy who was fucking my mother. Strangely it is better. I now have this desire to find my dad and sister. If nothing else just to say that I've seen them once in my life. I just want to know where I came from. I always thought I knew that but today I find out that a big part of my life is a lie.

Where am I supposed to put this?

So back in November I was asked by my then employer to delete all of my blog posts that made any mention to "work" and to delete all posts on my Twitter page. They did not like the fact that I had the audacity to have a dissenting opinion about anyone I worked with. Now there was no company policy stating that I was not allowed to blog that I might be unhappy with something that may have happened at work or that I had issue with someone's management style. So what they had to do was show that I had made some posts during working hours. Because of that I had broken the acceptable use policy and that was why I was in trouble. So I was brought into a room where my manager, HR person and the CEO all yelled at me for quite a while. They told me how they could fire me. Basically ruin my life because of my posts. Then they shoved a paper in my face and said I had to sign or get fired. No time to think it over. No time to consent with an attorney. Just sign no or else. I'm pretty sure there are coercion laws that keep people from making you sign anything that could be considered a legal document without even reading it or seeking legal counsel if you wanted to. But there I was...being bullied by a bigger boy.

So after I signed the paper they take me into a back room and make me long into my accounts and remove all posts. It took so long to delete posts on Twitter that I just removed my entire account. As for the blog posts I just made every post I'd ever written private only to myself. It was faster considering that they had read every blog post I'd ever put on Live Journal going back to 2006. Four years of blog posts is just far too many items to erase. I figured they really just wanted people to not be able to see it. They didn't want their reputation to be tarnished.

Their reputation is a lie. They tell people that they have diversity but there is no real diversity. They had a few people of color working there, who doesn't. Of course all management decisions were made by white males. No women or people of color were ever promoted to management. We did not make any decision but they continue to preach diversity. They don't want anyone to have a real opinion unless it matches their own. If you have your own opinion you're expected to keep quiet and just say "yas sir!" I am not now, nor will I ever be a step and fetch it. I don't believe in just toting the party line when I think the party line is wrong. Reminds me of the Japanese proverb "The nail that sticks out gets hammered down." They did their best to hammer me down but it didn't work. I will always be me. In the end I decided to leave their employment. I thought it best for all parties involved.

I will not unblock all my previous posts. I cannot resurrect my Twitter posts, although I have a print out of them all that they so graciously provided for me. I want my opinion to be heard and damn it, it shall be. This is America. We are supposed to have freedom of speech. I will once again invoke that right.

If my old CEO is reading this I just have two questions:

1. Why do you care so much what I think?
2. If you care so much why did you do nothing to change how I felt?

After a recent incident I decided to start going to therapy. It's been good so far. I've only gone 3 times but I think it's helping already. I was asked to write down what would make me happy. It took me a week to answer that question and I still don't think I've completely done so but it was a start. The bad part is that I know what would make me happy but I don't know how to make it happen. It frustrates me to no end. I do hope I can pull it all together. My assignment now is to come up with some goals for myself.

So those of you know me know that I am a big fan of peer to peer networks. That is where I get most of my music. Well I had been trying to download the 'Take a Look in the Mirror' album by Korn for a while. Well I finally gave up and downloaded it from Amazon.

Why? Because I am in love with the song 'Right Now'. Enjoy it with me won't you...

Check out the video

Right Now

I'm feeling mean today
Not lost, not blown away
Just irritated and quite hated
Self control breaks down
Why's everyday so tame
I like my life insane
I'm fabricating and debating
Who I'm gonna kick around

(Chorus)
Right now
can't find a way to get across the hate when I see you
Right now
I feel it scratch inside I wanna slash and beat you
Right now
I rip apart the things inside that excite you
Right now
I can't control myself I fucking hate you!

I'm feeling cold today
Not hurt just fucked away
I'm devastated and frustrated
God I feel so bound
So why'd I feel the need?
I think it's time to bleed
I'm gonna cut myself and
Watch the blood hit the ground

(Chorus)

You open your mouth again
I swear I'm gonna break it
You open your mouth again
My God I cannot take it

Shut up, shut up, shut up, I'll Fuck you up [x6]

(Chorus)

I fucking hate you [x4]
I fucking hate you (SHUT UP!) [x3]
SHUT UP!